Just recently a friend reminded me of a statement I had made to her a long time ago that had hit home to her a couple of years later. When she asked me what it was like being married, I replied "When you get married you begin to realize how selfish you are." She reminded me of this statement when she and her husband (another good friend of mine) came to visit us with their infant son. At the time I felt slightly proud that I had made a statement that was not only true, I believe, but also meant something. I had forgotten she and I had that conversation and that reminder led me down a road to remembering when my husband and I were first married.
I think when you're married you are brought face to face with your own selfishness. Your needs, which were once your main focus, at times need to give way to the person you are supposed to love most in this world. I believe that if this doesn't happen, you can lose the opportunity for personal growth and lose the chance to come out of yourself and be part of this wonderful two person team that marriage was designed by God to be. I know that in my own marriage the realization of my own selfishness, expressed or kept festering inside myself, caused me to have some of the more painful but also greatest opportunities for growth and maturity that I have experienced. It doesn't mean these realizations are easy, it just means that if you can adapt and take yourself out of your inner world of self-focus you might end up on the other side a better person.
How the mighty have fallen. My friend, when she reminded me of this discussion of ours said that she never realized her own selfishness until she became a parent. This week, in fact, this winter, has reminded me of my own selfishness as I parent. Now, outwardly, I think we are very good at not being selfish where our kids are concerned. We would do anything for them and do everything for them but in our hearts of hearts, I believe, our selfishness can sometimes come into play. Today was one of those days.
My kids are sick. They are sick early on in a New Year that I hoped would not be a sick ridden repetition of the previous fall. I hoped in vain. They are not seriously ill, although we did have one night where the croup was serious enough that we were contemplating the emergency room. I have been a mom to sick kids this week. Being a mom to sick kids has its restrictions. You are limited in where you go, what you eat, how you handle your day to day. Your house might be a disaster and you might need to cancel meetings or miss deadlines because this 5 year old needs you just to be with him as he worries over why his body feels 'different'. This is what we signed up for and it is in these times when I can feel the least selfish as a parent.
So, this week I have felt like I could do anything for my kids and tonight I felt like I wanted it to be about me. We were headed to the Saturday night service at our church which has a wonderful coffeehouse afterwards. I was looking forward to adult conversation with my friends. It was not to be. The son who was getting better and coughing only once or twice a day and rarely at night had a coughing attack and got scared. My husband needed to stay so he would get a ride home. I have to admit that my feelings tonight did me no credit to my growth as a child of God and my growth as a mature woman. I wanted to stay, was frustrated that I couldn't and resentful that others minor inconveniences like illness had thwarted my plans. What a wonderful way to end what had actually been a good day.
The kids are now in bed, and with a conversation with my wonderful mother under my belt, and a few tears of frustration, I am ready to deal with this little ugly side of myself. My 3o year old selfish self. What are we to do when we encounter this type of personal selfishness? Don't get me wrong, I believe that taking care of yourself is important, as is finding balance in your life. We all need to take time to ourselves, take time with God, and keep ourselves physically, spiritually, and emotionally healthy. But what my concern is where does self-care cross into selfishness?
Here is my tentative thoughts on the subject as I sit here with church hair and round home clothes. I believe that self-care crosses into selfishness when it disregards compassion. True compassion for those who are in a situation where they genuinely need our love and care and understanding. My children can't help being sick and they need me, their mother, to care for them and reassure them and make sure that they have what they need to heal and rest. This also happens in our relationships with other adults. Maybe you need time to yourself and have been coveting watching that TV show or seeing that movie or the bath and perfect book combo is calling your name. Your friend or spouse comes in and they are exhausted, they need, they are dependant on that person that they love and who they know loves them. Here is where compassion can dictate who you are.
When confronted with a genuine need for your compassion, do you set aside your needs, your potential resentment, your knee-jerk reaction to say no, or not right now to care for another? Though you thought, probably rightly so, that you needed to preserve this time or this energy to care for yourself, are there times when your long term growth as a human being and a Christ follower is a benefit of setting aside self?
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